One Room With No View

FULL DISCLOSURE…THIS IS NOT A PHOTO OF SPARROW!

PSALM 68:5-6

A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.

Clang! The sound of metal hitting metal reverberated in my ears as I was pushed into a cell, and the door clanged behind me. I sunk down onto a cold concrete floor and curled up into a ball. I was a petite young woman of 30, but when I had my knees folded into my chest and my head bowed down into my knees, I looked like a child. But the the brown prison uniform that blazed the name of the prison on my back gave my ‘adulthood’ away.

How did I get here? What happened in my life to allow me to get to this place? I was pretty, I was smart and I had a lot going for me. I had the world by the tail’, as the saying goes. It seemed like it was just yesterday when my ‘Mom’ told me that my biological dad was Danny, and that she had adopted me, just like she adopted him 25 years earlier. We sang our song in my ‘comfort chair’. I can hear her voice blending with my little girl voice; ‘Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world. Red and yellow black and white they are precious in His sight.’ I heard the words over and over in my head, but did I believe them? So much had happened since I was that young girl. How could I believe them? I wanted to believe them, but could He still love me after all that I have done? Better question; WHY would He still love me after all that I have done?

The last few years whirled through my mind as I desperately tried to figure out where I went down the wrong path for the first time. As a child, I was told that I was adopted by the Martin family who already had three children of their own, and one adopted son. It was their adopted son that always intrigued me. He rarely came home to visit because he was in the military, and stationed in California. The time or two that I did see him, I always saw a resemblance in my own features and coloring, but I knew he was adopted also. But that day when I sat in the ‘comfort chair’ with Mom, and she told me I was his baby-he is my Dad, I felt like I had something inside me-break! I think it was the part that makes you feel like you have connections of flesh and blood that look like you, laugh like you, even tell jokes like you. I should have felt more of a connection, I know, but I didn’t! Maybe it was the thought that my Mom that birthed me-abandoned me. Maybe it was because my father , knowing my own Mom abandoned me, also released me into the care of the foster system. I am not really sure, but a piece inside me broke that day. Oh, my adoptive parents tried to mend it. I went to Christian schools, did all the things kids my age did, nothing was denied to me in my childhood, except my birth parents.

Someone walked by my cell and stopped. Tapping on the bars, and ruff voice asked; “need anything?” I wanted to say Yes, I need my Mom! Instead, I shook my head, and the guard moved on. I knew I was the only one who would pay the price for the things I had done. But how would I survive? As that question was swirling through my mind, I had another sinking feeling. In a short time I would be in need of a ‘fix’ for my drug addiction. I knew there would be none in this lonely, bare prison cell. I had already heard how the ‘detox’ goes here in prison…it goes with nothing. Not even a Tylenol for some of the pain. How would I be able to go through it?

Suddenly an old memory filled my thoughts. I was in school maybe second grade, and I took a piece of my favorite candy from my friends desk when she wasn’t looking. Teacher saw me! She called me up to her desk and made me see that what I did was wrong, but Jesus died to take all our wrong things and forgive us of them, if we ask Him. I assured her that I wanted to ask Him to forgive me, and right there I gave my heart to Jesus and asked for forgiveness for all my sins. Teacher gave me a hug and told me I was a child of God and I could ask for my fathers help at anytime I needed it! I cried out to the Lord for His help, I would need it now even more than I knew!