Ephesians 2:8
8 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God,
Hi Friends! My guest blogger today is my pen pal incarcerated in western PA. She has rededicated her life to Christ since she has been in prison. I believe you will see from her blog her heart and focus are now in the right place. Since everyone of us has been forgiven by the grace of Jesus, I believe you will enjoy reading her story, and learn something too!
When you think of the old hymn, “Amazing Grace”, what comes to mind? Do you think of church on Sunday’s? Does it make you think of, maybe funerals? Does it ever give you the goosebumps and make you suddenly reflect on your life? Or, perhaps what comes to your mind is Leann Rhimes’ hearty rendition made famous by those talented pipes of hers? I can check off all of the above. Recently, I think of the hymn and imagine those flip-books that were many images to create a 10 second flash story…but one that used images of my life. No matter how many triggers the hymn sets off, the result is now always the same, each time. It brings me to my knees.
The word amazing is a frequent adjective in any persons vocabulary. Some days I feel amazing. Those double fudge brownies were amazing. A normal 10 minute shower on a rough day can be deemed amazing. I think we can see the various shades of this word. It covers the small simple things in life to the extreme. We take this word to various levels but the author of this hymn used it rather fittingly. Even the most gifted human can never and will never come up with a word to adequately describe the grace of God. The author of this hymn was John Newton and he came pretty close for a human.
John Newton was born in 1725 and became an Anglican Minister. Do you know what he was before that? I only just learned myself. He was a slave trader. He participated in mistreating other human beings at their most vulnerable. After learning that, the words deepened for me. This man who wrote one of the most famous hymns in history once spent time making profit off of his disregard for humanity, and ended up being a man of God. I can see why ‘amazing’ became his choice adjective for his hymn of the grace of God.
Ans so, who am I? Not someone you would call amazing. I’m a felon in prison. But I can certainly at least attest to God’s grace.
On June 7, 2019, I was sentenced to 18-40 years in Pennsylvania State Prison. There’s a lot of gray area in my case and sentence questions regarding it’s extremity and…just gray area all around. That’s a whole separate story, one I’m still writing mentally and spiritually. Re-reading and searching for answers from cover to cover.
On my sentence day I was told that I have no regard for human life. I stood silent and stoic on that platform, but all the while on the inside I was screaming, “I never dealt with these people personally! None of this was intended!” “The victims were addicts too!”
It’s been three years since sentencing and it’s been three years since I cried. I’ve done a lot of internal grieving, a lot of justifying in my mind, and regardless of the facts vs. the gray area, I’ve learned something. The very facts that I have been obsessing about for some time now, don’t even really matter.
I’m not the complete monstrous, cold and calculating killer the news and law enforcement made me out to be. But I see now they were partly right. While my co-defendants and I never meant to hurt anyone, I guess I didn’t have full regard for human life, starting with my own. If you don’t have regard for your life how can you think about any one else’s? I can’t keep making mental lists of what is true, what’s not, of what shouldn’t have happened and what should have. People put a lot into fine detail, I do too. But, I’m tired, so very tired. It’s enough. When it comes down to it, I’m a sinner, a wretch, just like the killer next door. Just like the spouse cheating on their family in the next town over, or like the person you passed by earlier who just ‘dined and dashed’ because he was hungry, but broke from poor money choices during the week. No sin is greater than any other when it comes to God’s grace.
The outside world is once again dividing over and over, like a cancer cell; recently from the corona virus, now racial issues; protesting, riots and violence. People often assume that prisoners become strangers to the goings on of the world because we are kept separate. But in here too, there is division amongst division. The outside world is in an uproar over who did what, what people didn’t do. And here on the inside we divide people by our crimes without realizing it, we do it. I’ve basically said to myself; ‘I’m a drug dealer/addict, so I’m a worse person and sinner than the shoplifter a few cells down. But I didn’t put my hands on the small child like the people in the other unit, so I’m way less of a sinner than them.”
No, no, and no. It’s crimes and actions that can be more heinous than others. But as far as redemption and salvation are concerned, SIN IS SIN!
Donna again. Please come back Monday, Katie will have the conclusion of her blog on amazing grace and how it is playing out in her life. Let me know your thoughts. We are working on a book of her story and would appreciate your feedback!
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