Romans 6:23 NIV:
For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
691,200 seconds
11,520 minutes
192 hours
8 days
8 days
192 hours
11,520 minutes
691,200 seconds
Every one of those seconds dragged by like a sloth running a marathon! How could I endure this withdrawal with no help for the reaction my body was having? I was not able to eat-everything came back up. I could not drink anything; my mouth was like a ball of cotton. In this Lilliputian sized cell with only a bed, a toilet and a sink, one window that looked out into the hall. A guard sat there 24/7. I was on a suicide watch.
I would be lying if I told you, that I did not think that might just be a better option. Quick, pain over, done. But the memories I had of great times with my girls, my Mom, my sisters and brother came rolling in at just the right time. My girls were still so young. I wanted so much for them, and I wanted to see them achieve it. My Mom was older. She was always the stability in my life. I wanted to see her again and tell he I was sorry, and I love her! Remembering the fun had with my siblings made a small painful grin creep onto my dirty face. Those were the thoughts that reminded me I have to endure, I have to regain my family.
The stories I learned as a child about the hardships of those old patriarchs, in the Bible, even though they were in God’s will, reminded me that I could not expect any less. My Sunday School teacher told us that for every disobedient action we take there would be a consequence. “What is that? “I asked the teacher. She told the class that just like when we disobey our parents, we have a punishment, well in God’s plan, going against His rules of nature, causes a type of punishment we call consequences. When Jonah disobeyed God and would not go to Nineveh, he was swallowed by the big fish. That is a consequence of disobeying. When the people were told by Noah that there would be a flood, get on the boat for safety. They disobeyed and for them there was no second chance like Jonah got, and they all died. Consequences. I was getting another chance too! I began to wonder why?
So many Bible stories came back to me about the hero’s who saved the day with God’s help! I know He will help me too. I brightened a bit. Then another wave of pain hit me, yes, it was the second day, the day they talked about in any rehab that I was ever exposed to. The next two days would be brutal. It began in my tummy. The pain had me doubled over and thinking about how they hung Naaman on the gallows because he treated the Jews so badly. How many had I treated badly in my selfish addiction? I began sweating. Not the kind that comes from hard work on a summer day.
The kind that comes with shaking and heaving with the high temperature of the flu…but not the flu! I became so anxious about these new effects that I began pacing in my cell back and forth, back and forth my nerves were getting the best of me. I thought about Judas. With the identifying kiss he betrayed his Savior! I was not that bad, was I? I did not single-handedly narc on anyone and get them arrested, did I? No, but in some ways, I did what King David did when he wanted Bathsheba’s husband out of the picture. David had her husband Uriah go to the front of the battle where all the fighting (and killing) was going on. Then the troops were called back and Uriah was left alone…to die by the enemy’s sword.
My thoughts became so dark, so hopeless. I was in such pain now, all over. I had muscles jerking with the uncontrollable spasms of pain as the drugs were exiting my system. The guards warned me it would be like this, then it would begin to ease up. When? Oh, Lord, I can now begin to imaging what you went through as you hung on that cross. Thirsty, in pain, gasping for a breath. How did you do it? Help me to do this! I cried; Lord Help me!
Written by an incarcerated woman on a ‘death on delivery’ charge.
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